Tag Archives: nuclear war

Super Spooky Halloween Post

I went on a run the other day, and passed a house all decorated for Halloween: black cat cut outs, pumpkins, ghosts strung from a clothesline—classic shit, but not scary at all. The whole notion of Halloween is becoming too traditional; it’s lost its horrifying luster. I understand that at one point (in like the 50’s) the idea of a man who turns into a wolf might have scared the pants off people; literally, they’re scared so bad that they must remove their pants, because the pants have been shat-filled (off subject, but did you know “scared the pants off” is a direct descendent of “scared the shit out”? More on origins of sayings in another post.) Honestly though, ghouls, goblins, and monsters have never been scary in my lifetime. We need to get back to the roots of this spook festival, which is becoming too much of a happy-go-lucky holiday, and strike fear into the soul of people: especially children.

As mentioned, folklore and commerciality are not scary: not the Headless Horseman; not cotton spider webs; and surely not a damn vampire, or (worse) a bloody zombie. No, what’s scary are herpes; rape; Mormons; terrorists; nuclear war; cancer; a guy with a mustache, glasses, and pants pulled up to his chest, handing out candy (not from his doorstep, but) from inside his house; finally, a muscular man in a pretty pink dress. That shit is real. That shit is horrifying. That shit is disturbing, but it’s the shit that Halloween should be all about…shit!

What happened to scaring the hell out of people, namely children? Is it politically incorrect? Is it immoral? Will it hurt their feelings? Good. Good. Great. This time of year has become too much fun for kids, and I want to take away those precious moments; bring them into the real world, where candy and super heroes won’t solve problems. Leave them with non-repairable mental scars, rather than a fictitious happiness that they’ll never find in the real world. Here’s how I picture it going:

A child approaches the doorstep, and I’m dressed as I am above (the sexiest slut at the bar, which was so true, bitches). Gazing up my hairy legs, he looks at my menacing smile. Fear slowly sinks in, yet he’ll fight the piss running down his leg for that sweet treat. Little does he know, I don’t have any candy…I have steroids. That’s right, the intravenous type. I also have crack, but I’m keeping that for now. I drop a syringe, and vile into his stupid pumpkin container; the handle of which looks about ready to snap from the cheap Chinese plastic. (I hope it does, too; I always had to use a damn pillowcase, or grocery bag: neither of which were ever without large holes.) The child is lost in utter confusion. Sensing this, I say in my deepest voice, “Trick, or treat…” laughing ever so creepily as I shut the door, and get the hell out of my neighbor’s house. I leave the crack, and wait for the cops to roll up.

Now tell me, is that not the scariest shit you’ve ever heard? Well, I’m sure it’s at least close. With this country losing it’s ethics day by day, we need someone who will stand up, and make things right. This person would be me, except Dan Ray Sucks; so, if you don’t take it into your own hands to uphold the Halloween tradition by getting rid of those terrible scarecrows, rubber bats, and cans of spring worms, and (instead) re-introduce the idea of scaring the shit out of people by any means possible, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, smash some pumpkins, and TP some houses.


Edison is Dead

What’s the use in trying?  My entire life, all I’ve ever really wanted to do is invent something, but it seems that everything has already been invented; in fact, there are so many patents that people have actually resorted to things like a case for your cell phone case (I don’t know if that’s real, but it wouldn’t surprise me).  I’ve had so many ideas, some shitty—many shitty…and impractical…and would probably only be useful for something other than its intended purpose.

I did have some were pretty damn good idea though.  If I were to patent some of the inventions I never made, I would be sitting prettier than Katy Perry‘s voice; just kidding, her tits.  Why have I not taken the opportunity to capitalize on the good ones?  Simple: A. Someone beat me to the punch; B. I lack the brainpower, skill, and ambition to seize my opportunity; and C. I’m a lazy son of a bitch.

I thought I’d share with you my list of never invented inventions, as well as some that have already been done, and are on the market just rubbing it in my damn face, like this.  Sure, they’re not the most creative, useful, or revolutionary products, but that’s the shit people buy.  Without further adieu, here are  (Some of) My Inventions to Invent, or Claim Duties from:

Chest Pack/Front Rack/Foresack: The back pack for your front!
This product takes the weight off your back, and properly distributes the load to your chest: just the way Jenna Jameson likes it.
-Status: Invented, by some prick.

Clip ‘Em: The Multi-Finger Fingernail Trimmer
Tired of monotonously cutting each-and-every individual fingernail?  You no longer have to!  Think of how much time you’ll save by doing five things at once!
-Status: Impossible.

babybook: The facebook for families.
This benefits both parties: single people like me, who want to see only sexy pics of drunk chicks on the newsfeed; and the family-oriented people, who don’t want to see that crap.
-Status: Pending.

Instagram: (Just the name)
My version was for instant access to your local drug dealer.
-Status: Reworking the name, my back up (Instacrack) just isn’t cutting it.

Titflix/Netdicks/MILFlix/Lonelyflix: The Netflix of porn.
Get high-quality smut, and not pay out the butt.  No more downloaded viruses, or annoying pop-up ads; not to mention, you can select from a variety of different sized packages (no jokes, please: keep it professional).
-Status: Market analysis phase, at least that’s what I call it.

The Shit Shower: No tag line needed.
It’s every man’s, and burly woman’s dream.  Save time by combining the best of both worlds: it all goes down the same hole!
-Status: Design flaw.

Cinnamummy: A monster cereal addition.
I have been craving this cereal for years!  Cinnamummy adds that cinnamon flavor everyone loves to the fruits and the chocolate mix; it meshes seamlessly with the trifecta of monster cereals, creating (essentially) a quadfecta.  Seriously, there are three major categories of cereal: fruity, chocolaty, and cinnamony.  I may be missing some catch all group, but let’s worry about the topic at hand, people.  The name is perfectly cute and terrifying.  I’ve done some research, and saw that they once had a shitty cereal by a similar, yet shittier name “Yummy Mummy”.  Now, maybe they’re worried that they’ll scare people away with the name relation, but is it not the point of the monster cereals to scare people?  My hope is that they’re already in the process of developing this delicious treat (god, I can almost taste it in my thoughts), and simply cannot get the cinnamon to marshmallow ratio down just yet.  Keep at it General Mills, I know you can do it!

Matt Mates: All jokes aside (not that the other ideas are jokes: they’re golden), but this is the invention I’m most bitter about.
Such a simple idea, and I could have actually patented long before it became a product; seriously, a good five years.  These stylish (unlike the ugly-ass real product) wrestling shoe covers cut down on any, and every skin disease associated with the sport.  I’m so bitter that I can’t even write anymore about it.
-Status: Stolen, by some ass hole.

Feel free to take any of my ideas (that have not already been taken from me), and run with them.  You know I don’t have the ability to do anything with the above genius.  Just as a warning, if I’m not awarded some sort of measly cash compensation, or at least credited to the idea, then I will use this blog as a defense in court, and you will lose.  Just like Thomas Edison, I will hunt you down for cash, and/or credit; you can’t hide, so I’ll be waiting for my cut.

Most great inventions have already been created (Light bulb, computer, Snuggie), but there are still just a few waiting to be made.  Mr. Edison would likely spit in my face if he knew how many opportunities I’ve allowed, and will continue to allow pass by; luckily, he’s dead.  This, people, is why Dan Ray Sucks; and, if you lack the drive to go out there and create something that could be somewhat useful (or, at least useful in theory), then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums, etc.
-Finally, create something; not babies, they suck.