Tag Archives: hilarious

Things Guys Do…in the bathroom

I have this tendency to make bathroom jokes, not because I’m an immature comedian, but because they are just so relevant.  I’m going to (use some puns and) cut the crap, so we get straight to the good shit.  I’ve come up with A List of Things Guys Instinctually Do in the Powder Room…Gun Powder, That Is:

-Pee on something – Whether using the stream as a laser beam to split a piece of toilet paper in half, sinking a floating object (and keeping it sunk), or being outdoors and going on whatever you please; essentially, we’re reverting back to a caveman state of mind by marking our territory.
-We like to go from high objects.
-We like to test our distance.
-We have trouble aiming in the wee hours of the morning.
-We don’t make eye contact in public restrooms – especially not at a urinal.  Jesus, that’s just asking for an ridicule, an ass beating, or the unwanted affection of someone who takes your glance  the wrong way.
-We don’t wash our hands after peeing, even if a little dribble gets on the fingertip.
-We leave the door open, and the seat up, because…well, we just do damn it.
-Finally, we take pride in what we’ve done, but only if it’s a notable accomplishment worthy of a picture to a friend.

Again, sorry for the potty humor, but I had this idea came to me as I was in the middle of…I don’t think I need to explain.  The restroom is a sacred, ritualistic site for the male sex: it’s the only place a guy can really feel free and natural.  There’s something about the privacy, the peace, and the potpourri that brings a man back to his rugged, stinky roots.  Dropping trou connects us men to our past: to a time where beasts roamed the earth, and the phrase “shit or get off the stump” was not the subject of a patience matter, but rather a life, or death matter.  It’s not just me, either; every man shares these, or similar tendencies.

The restroom makes everything equal.  It takes away anything that makes us different, and shows only the human side of people: there’s no race, no judgement, no jealousy of whose wife has nicer tits, and absolutely no such thing as class—only primitive beasts.  A porcelain nature you won’t find in the female shitter.  Anyway, these are my deep thoughts on the poop room, which is why Dan Ray Sucks; and if you think that the restroom is more than a place to do your SSS (Shit-Shower-Shave), then you need something more important to think about, because you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Follow.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, stop writing bathroom jokes.

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Video Reviews That Suck

I have a great appreciation for youtube sensations, and finally decided to do something about it.  Today, with nothing to do at my internship, I’ve decided to bring to you a few of my favorite videos of the day.  I hope you enjoy them as much as they’re trending.

First off, we have “MacGyver – The MacGyver Song by Eric Bert.”  Other than the outrageous amount of self-promotion, I love this video.  At first, I was quite skeptical about watching it, because it seems like some douche bag is just trying to make a name for himself; like me, except he’s doing a great job at it.  After watching the video, I have more respect for both Eric Bert, and MacGyver.  Bert does a tremendous job in pointing out how awesomely 80’s/early 90’s the show was.  With the panty-dropping mullet of Richard Dean Anderson coupled with the complex storylines, explosions, and (of course) his shoestring ingenuity, it’s no wonder why the show lasted 139 episodes; nor, is it a wonder why there are talks of a reboot/movie!  Anyway, you’ve read enough.  It’s time to listen to some musical genius:

I don’t have much to say about this next video, except that I could have done it with one arm tied behind my back:

Okay, maybe I’m a little impressed, but it’s recreational league; so, nobody really gives a shit.

This final little gem…WOW.  I strongly disagree with the title; unless they really mean “worst” to be in the fashion of “nasty”, or “sick”.  In which case, I would totally agree that it’s quite bad.  I don’t know what this guy did, or why he did it (the character, not the director), but I do know that I was on the edge of my seat!  From the mere one minute and eight seconds of pure cinematic beauty, I can tell that this was a box office smash; I’m sure the people of Turkey were lining up out the door to see it…again!  With the realistic special effects, attention to detailed fight choreography, and just the right amount of slow motion (not too little, not way too much), I was captivated at first glance.  I watched it four times, in pure envy of its quality.  I can only hope that I will someday be able to rival just one-tenth of its greatness.

After reviewing all of these videos, I thought it might be cool to combine them into one movie.  It would involve a Turkish MacGuyver who is awesome at football; the only problem is that a lifetime of ridicule, due to his style of throwing the ball behind his back, has led him to suffer severe alcohol and drug problems.  When approached by a team in need of a miracle, will he be able to get out of his slump, and prove that it’s not about how you play, but why you play?  Oh Jesus, that sounds terrible.  This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you have nothing better to do than come up with horrible movie ideas based on youtube videos, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Follow.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, MacGyver.