Tag Archives: funny blog

Friday Video Review

It’s Friday, and we’re all antsy to be done with the week. Well, my week doesn’t end, because I work on Saturdays and Sundays, but for the rest of you slackers, I’ve found some great videos for you to watch; better yet, I’ve even reviewed them, so you don’t have to. Let’s take a look at what youtube has to offer us today…

Think you’re sick of Gangnam Style? Think again. I guess this song is still fresh enough, and totally relevant to synchronizing it with Halloween lights. Who even really uses lights (excluding those little pumpkins, which are more adorable than they are scary) to decorate their house for Halloween? Anyway, watch the video; it is actually pretty cool, for about 20 seconds.

I can only imagine how tired of this song the people are who regretted allowing Edward’s Landing Lights to set up this display on their property. Or, maybe they’re super fans, who could never get tired of what they think is the song of the century. OR, maybe they’re Korean.

Our next video is not a video, but rather a screen shot of one of the suggested videos from the last video. Jesus, I need a thesaurus. When clicking through Youtube, I wait to be inspired, and compelled to write; then, I always watch the whole video twice before, as well as a few times during, my review. From the picture below, I hope you can see the many reasons why I refuse to watch “crazy 3 min chest workout” by sixpackshortcuts.
Looking beyond the terrible title grammar, and the fact that I don’t need a crazy three minute chest work out (because I’m already super jacked), I can’t get by the obvious: How does a three minute workout take nine minutes and forty-eight seconds? It pissed me off so much, that I refused to click on the advertisement. Besides, if I wanted to watch a shirtless, muscular guy getting off to himself, I’d head just lift my mattress, and pop in my favorite DVD: Shirtless, Muscular Guys Getting Off to Themselves. It’s a masturpiece.

I also try to get the most-recent (as of start of blog), but it’s hard to pass up on this one from 2007:

She knows what the world needs, but I think what the world needs is more people her: sexy, and intelligent. You can see Mario Lopez holding back his laughter, because she comes off as a ditz. The problem is that this girl is misunderstood; I believe that her mental capacity far exceeds any of ours. Therefore, she should really be holding back her own laughter. Maybe I’m just trying to be nice, because she’s hot, and that’s what I was taught; I don’t know.

Finally, I’ll leave you with something that I’d like you to join me in boycotting: people whom are not funny. First on the snub list is this Ben Behfar guy. Before I get into bashing the douche bag, I’ll let you watch the video with a virgin mind.

The main thing that bugs me about “Bodyshots” is that it tries too damn hard to be funny, and it’s not. The song is not funny. Throwing on ridiculous, brightly colored 80’s clothing is not funny. Making a video based on such a poor concept that it pisses me off is not funny. I will say that is shot/put together pretty all right, but for what? It makes me angry that they put in the time and effort for something that I have to take the time and effort to slam; in other words, they’re wasting my time, because I can’t let them go on thinking that they’re awesome. Ben Behfar is more full of himself than me; not only does he think this video is amazing enough to put online, but there are also supplemental videos about the making of this shitball, as well as a website devoted to Nima: this guy who knows he sucks, and plays off that idea.

Oh shit, that sounds familiar. Whatever, I do it better. I know I suck, which is why Dan Ray Sucks. So, if you spend your Friday free time watching videos online to the point where you find one that pisses you off to no ends, because some ass hole thinks it’s funny to present himself in a grandiose, yet silly manner (which has been done before, and better) to make millions of dollars off of Youtube, and you know that’s impossible, but it still bothers you, then you suck too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, don’t make shitty videos.


Edison is Dead

What’s the use in trying?  My entire life, all I’ve ever really wanted to do is invent something, but it seems that everything has already been invented; in fact, there are so many patents that people have actually resorted to things like a case for your cell phone case (I don’t know if that’s real, but it wouldn’t surprise me).  I’ve had so many ideas, some shitty—many shitty…and impractical…and would probably only be useful for something other than its intended purpose.

I did have some were pretty damn good idea though.  If I were to patent some of the inventions I never made, I would be sitting prettier than Katy Perry‘s voice; just kidding, her tits.  Why have I not taken the opportunity to capitalize on the good ones?  Simple: A. Someone beat me to the punch; B. I lack the brainpower, skill, and ambition to seize my opportunity; and C. I’m a lazy son of a bitch.

I thought I’d share with you my list of never invented inventions, as well as some that have already been done, and are on the market just rubbing it in my damn face, like this.  Sure, they’re not the most creative, useful, or revolutionary products, but that’s the shit people buy.  Without further adieu, here are  (Some of) My Inventions to Invent, or Claim Duties from:

Chest Pack/Front Rack/Foresack: The back pack for your front!
This product takes the weight off your back, and properly distributes the load to your chest: just the way Jenna Jameson likes it.
-Status: Invented, by some prick.

Clip ‘Em: The Multi-Finger Fingernail Trimmer
Tired of monotonously cutting each-and-every individual fingernail?  You no longer have to!  Think of how much time you’ll save by doing five things at once!
-Status: Impossible.

babybook: The facebook for families.
This benefits both parties: single people like me, who want to see only sexy pics of drunk chicks on the newsfeed; and the family-oriented people, who don’t want to see that crap.
-Status: Pending.

Instagram: (Just the name)
My version was for instant access to your local drug dealer.
-Status: Reworking the name, my back up (Instacrack) just isn’t cutting it.

Titflix/Netdicks/MILFlix/Lonelyflix: The Netflix of porn.
Get high-quality smut, and not pay out the butt.  No more downloaded viruses, or annoying pop-up ads; not to mention, you can select from a variety of different sized packages (no jokes, please: keep it professional).
-Status: Market analysis phase, at least that’s what I call it.

The Shit Shower: No tag line needed.
It’s every man’s, and burly woman’s dream.  Save time by combining the best of both worlds: it all goes down the same hole!
-Status: Design flaw.

Cinnamummy: A monster cereal addition.
I have been craving this cereal for years!  Cinnamummy adds that cinnamon flavor everyone loves to the fruits and the chocolate mix; it meshes seamlessly with the trifecta of monster cereals, creating (essentially) a quadfecta.  Seriously, there are three major categories of cereal: fruity, chocolaty, and cinnamony.  I may be missing some catch all group, but let’s worry about the topic at hand, people.  The name is perfectly cute and terrifying.  I’ve done some research, and saw that they once had a shitty cereal by a similar, yet shittier name “Yummy Mummy”.  Now, maybe they’re worried that they’ll scare people away with the name relation, but is it not the point of the monster cereals to scare people?  My hope is that they’re already in the process of developing this delicious treat (god, I can almost taste it in my thoughts), and simply cannot get the cinnamon to marshmallow ratio down just yet.  Keep at it General Mills, I know you can do it!

Matt Mates: All jokes aside (not that the other ideas are jokes: they’re golden), but this is the invention I’m most bitter about.
Such a simple idea, and I could have actually patented long before it became a product; seriously, a good five years.  These stylish (unlike the ugly-ass real product) wrestling shoe covers cut down on any, and every skin disease associated with the sport.  I’m so bitter that I can’t even write anymore about it.
-Status: Stolen, by some ass hole.

Feel free to take any of my ideas (that have not already been taken from me), and run with them.  You know I don’t have the ability to do anything with the above genius.  Just as a warning, if I’m not awarded some sort of measly cash compensation, or at least credited to the idea, then I will use this blog as a defense in court, and you will lose.  Just like Thomas Edison, I will hunt you down for cash, and/or credit; you can’t hide, so I’ll be waiting for my cut.

Most great inventions have already been created (Light bulb, computer, Snuggie), but there are still just a few waiting to be made.  Mr. Edison would likely spit in my face if he knew how many opportunities I’ve allowed, and will continue to allow pass by; luckily, he’s dead.  This, people, is why Dan Ray Sucks; and, if you lack the drive to go out there and create something that could be somewhat useful (or, at least useful in theory), then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums, etc.
-Finally, create something; not babies, they suck.