Tag Archives: christians

Super Spooky Halloween Post

I went on a run the other day, and passed a house all decorated for Halloween: black cat cut outs, pumpkins, ghosts strung from a clothesline—classic shit, but not scary at all. The whole notion of Halloween is becoming too traditional; it’s lost its horrifying luster. I understand that at one point (in like the 50’s) the idea of a man who turns into a wolf might have scared the pants off people; literally, they’re scared so bad that they must remove their pants, because the pants have been shat-filled (off subject, but did you know “scared the pants off” is a direct descendent of “scared the shit out”? More on origins of sayings in another post.) Honestly though, ghouls, goblins, and monsters have never been scary in my lifetime. We need to get back to the roots of this spook festival, which is becoming too much of a happy-go-lucky holiday, and strike fear into the soul of people: especially children.

As mentioned, folklore and commerciality are not scary: not the Headless Horseman; not cotton spider webs; and surely not a damn vampire, or (worse) a bloody zombie. No, what’s scary are herpes; rape; Mormons; terrorists; nuclear war; cancer; a guy with a mustache, glasses, and pants pulled up to his chest, handing out candy (not from his doorstep, but) from inside his house; finally, a muscular man in a pretty pink dress. That shit is real. That shit is horrifying. That shit is disturbing, but it’s the shit that Halloween should be all about…shit!

What happened to scaring the hell out of people, namely children? Is it politically incorrect? Is it immoral? Will it hurt their feelings? Good. Good. Great. This time of year has become too much fun for kids, and I want to take away those precious moments; bring them into the real world, where candy and super heroes won’t solve problems. Leave them with non-repairable mental scars, rather than a fictitious happiness that they’ll never find in the real world. Here’s how I picture it going:

A child approaches the doorstep, and I’m dressed as I am above (the sexiest slut at the bar, which was so true, bitches). Gazing up my hairy legs, he looks at my menacing smile. Fear slowly sinks in, yet he’ll fight the piss running down his leg for that sweet treat. Little does he know, I don’t have any candy…I have steroids. That’s right, the intravenous type. I also have crack, but I’m keeping that for now. I drop a syringe, and vile into his stupid pumpkin container; the handle of which looks about ready to snap from the cheap Chinese plastic. (I hope it does, too; I always had to use a damn pillowcase, or grocery bag: neither of which were ever without large holes.) The child is lost in utter confusion. Sensing this, I say in my deepest voice, “Trick, or treat…” laughing ever so creepily as I shut the door, and get the hell out of my neighbor’s house. I leave the crack, and wait for the cops to roll up.

Now tell me, is that not the scariest shit you’ve ever heard? Well, I’m sure it’s at least close. With this country losing it’s ethics day by day, we need someone who will stand up, and make things right. This person would be me, except Dan Ray Sucks; so, if you don’t take it into your own hands to uphold the Halloween tradition by getting rid of those terrible scarecrows, rubber bats, and cans of spring worms, and (instead) re-introduce the idea of scaring the shit out of people by any means possible, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, smash some pumpkins, and TP some houses.


Question Everything

When it comes to accepting the world as it is, well, I’m a very skeptical, critical, and deep thinking guy; it can be said that I have a word with ways.  Is it bad to be highly cynical, and also philosophical?  Who says I have to conform to the norm, and go with the flow?  Why can’t I bitch, complain, and otherwise rant on anything, and everything I feel?  I can, and I will.  It’s time to take a step outside of your enclosed mind, and into a whole new world of thought.  So prepare to think, because here comes The Great Fulmination: Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How in the Hell?

Who is the prick that took up one and a half parking spots, when I so badly need one?
What makes a morning so serene?
Where do I even begin?
When is my day going to start going down hill?
Why does Chinese take out taste better with the provided plastic fork? (Thank you, Garret.)
How am I going to pay back my student loans?
Who will be my next follower?
What makes farts so funny? And–
Where do farts go when they die?
When did it become acceptable to use absolutely terrible grammar?
Why do kids behave so poorly in restaurants?  On that note, why do adults behave more poorly?
How do some people live with themselves?
Who doesn’t know where Ohio is located?  Seriously, some people don’t.
What is the meaning of life?
Where did we originate?
When will people stop trying to figure out those things?
Why can’t I be a professional OU student?
How are some people so smart?
Who keeps hanging the toilet paper in the wrong direction? (“Slap it down”, not “roll it up.”)
What happened to good cartoons?
Where did I get all of these random facebook friends?
When will General Mills listen to my cries for a new addition to the monster cereal line: Cinnamummy?
Why do people ruin the integrity of an already delicious pizza with ranch?
How do we stop ourselves from doing dumb ass things?
Who starts, and continues overused catch phrases (calling people “boss”, YOLO, etc)?
What is wrong with people?
Where can I find the cheapest gas?
When is my car going to run out of it?
Why do people insist on making their motorcycles so loud?
How do I grow non-patchy, Dirty Sanchez facial hair?
Who thought it’d be funny to put all my facial hair into my ass crack?
What is the point of reduced sugar orange juice? (Adding water does the same thing.)
Where in the god damn world is Carmen Sandiego?
When will the world truly see my point of view?
Why do people think babies are cute, when they clearly look like aliens?
How many more questions can I ask?
Who places the chair to where I’m going to stub my toe on the leg?
What makes razor blades so expensive?
Where is the TV remote?
When is a good time to go to the DMV?  There isn’t a good time, is there?
Why do people believe we live in a Christian nation?
How can someone be so absent minded?
Who actually likes modern art?
What goes through someone’s head when they cut me off in traffic?
Where is the turn my GPS is showing?  Shit, I just passed it.
When will old people remember to turn off their turn signal?
Why do previous generations say how much better it was in their day?
How could it be better if everything was so much harder?
Who wouldn’t one enjoy Dan Ray Sucks so much that they tell everyone-they-know?
What do people do when they’re not on facebook/twitter/other social media?
Where is our society going?
When will we all just die?
Why have I never cared about the starving kids in China?
How many times did Uncle Joey think of touching the premature Olson twins?
Who doesn’t find a balding man with a mustache creepy?
What makes people do stupid things?
Where did I leave my keys?
When will all the douchebags realize who they are?
Why are there so many ass holes?
How are there people who have nothing but love for everyone?
Who, deep down, wishes it were the 80’s?
What am I going to do with my life?
Where is the best sushi in LA?  There seem to be a million “bests”, none of which I’ve tried.
When should I get a haircut?  I feel like I can go a few more days, but I know I’ll say that in a few more days.
Why do I have to shit completely nude?
How does that not turn you on?
Who decides to put this crap on TV?
What can I do to change it?
Where is my head today?  Every day?
When should I get out of bed?
Why have big dogs not yet migrated to California?
How do I make a lot of money, really fast, without doing something illegal, or with my mouth?
Who wants to answer all of these questions?
What made you read this entire rant?
Where have all the cowboys gone?
When do you plan on doing something with my life?
Why does Dan Ray Suck?
How do you suck, too?

There you have it: more bitching from yours truly.  You don’t like my view of the world?  You don’t like me posing so many questions about people, and their ways?  You want me to accept it all, and just fit in without complaining?  I can’t do that.  I won’t do that.  This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you can’t answer all of my questions, or have trouble not having trouble, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, don’t be scared to question everything, it might just take you nowhere like me.