Tag Archives: 80’s

Video Reviews That Suck

I have a great appreciation for youtube sensations, and finally decided to do something about it.  Today, with nothing to do at my internship, I’ve decided to bring to you a few of my favorite videos of the day.  I hope you enjoy them as much as they’re trending.

First off, we have “MacGyver – The MacGyver Song by Eric Bert.”  Other than the outrageous amount of self-promotion, I love this video.  At first, I was quite skeptical about watching it, because it seems like some douche bag is just trying to make a name for himself; like me, except he’s doing a great job at it.  After watching the video, I have more respect for both Eric Bert, and MacGyver.  Bert does a tremendous job in pointing out how awesomely 80’s/early 90’s the show was.  With the panty-dropping mullet of Richard Dean Anderson coupled with the complex storylines, explosions, and (of course) his shoestring ingenuity, it’s no wonder why the show lasted 139 episodes; nor, is it a wonder why there are talks of a reboot/movie!  Anyway, you’ve read enough.  It’s time to listen to some musical genius:

I don’t have much to say about this next video, except that I could have done it with one arm tied behind my back:

Okay, maybe I’m a little impressed, but it’s recreational league; so, nobody really gives a shit.

This final little gem…WOW.  I strongly disagree with the title; unless they really mean “worst” to be in the fashion of “nasty”, or “sick”.  In which case, I would totally agree that it’s quite bad.  I don’t know what this guy did, or why he did it (the character, not the director), but I do know that I was on the edge of my seat!  From the mere one minute and eight seconds of pure cinematic beauty, I can tell that this was a box office smash; I’m sure the people of Turkey were lining up out the door to see it…again!  With the realistic special effects, attention to detailed fight choreography, and just the right amount of slow motion (not too little, not way too much), I was captivated at first glance.  I watched it four times, in pure envy of its quality.  I can only hope that I will someday be able to rival just one-tenth of its greatness.

After reviewing all of these videos, I thought it might be cool to combine them into one movie.  It would involve a Turkish MacGuyver who is awesome at football; the only problem is that a lifetime of ridicule, due to his style of throwing the ball behind his back, has led him to suffer severe alcohol and drug problems.  When approached by a team in need of a miracle, will he be able to get out of his slump, and prove that it’s not about how you play, but why you play?  Oh Jesus, that sounds terrible.  This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you have nothing better to do than come up with horrible movie ideas based on youtube videos, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, MacGyver.


Question Everything

When it comes to accepting the world as it is, well, I’m a very skeptical, critical, and deep thinking guy; it can be said that I have a word with ways.  Is it bad to be highly cynical, and also philosophical?  Who says I have to conform to the norm, and go with the flow?  Why can’t I bitch, complain, and otherwise rant on anything, and everything I feel?  I can, and I will.  It’s time to take a step outside of your enclosed mind, and into a whole new world of thought.  So prepare to think, because here comes The Great Fulmination: Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How in the Hell?

Who is the prick that took up one and a half parking spots, when I so badly need one?
What makes a morning so serene?
Where do I even begin?
When is my day going to start going down hill?
Why does Chinese take out taste better with the provided plastic fork? (Thank you, Garret.)
How am I going to pay back my student loans?
Who will be my next follower?
What makes farts so funny? And–
Where do farts go when they die?
When did it become acceptable to use absolutely terrible grammar?
Why do kids behave so poorly in restaurants?  On that note, why do adults behave more poorly?
How do some people live with themselves?
Who doesn’t know where Ohio is located?  Seriously, some people don’t.
What is the meaning of life?
Where did we originate?
When will people stop trying to figure out those things?
Why can’t I be a professional OU student?
How are some people so smart?
Who keeps hanging the toilet paper in the wrong direction? (“Slap it down”, not “roll it up.”)
What happened to good cartoons?
Where did I get all of these random facebook friends?
When will General Mills listen to my cries for a new addition to the monster cereal line: Cinnamummy?
Why do people ruin the integrity of an already delicious pizza with ranch?
How do we stop ourselves from doing dumb ass things?
Who starts, and continues overused catch phrases (calling people “boss”, YOLO, etc)?
What is wrong with people?
Where can I find the cheapest gas?
When is my car going to run out of it?
Why do people insist on making their motorcycles so loud?
How do I grow non-patchy, Dirty Sanchez facial hair?
Who thought it’d be funny to put all my facial hair into my ass crack?
What is the point of reduced sugar orange juice? (Adding water does the same thing.)
Where in the god damn world is Carmen Sandiego?
When will the world truly see my point of view?
Why do people think babies are cute, when they clearly look like aliens?
How many more questions can I ask?
Who places the chair to where I’m going to stub my toe on the leg?
What makes razor blades so expensive?
Where is the TV remote?
When is a good time to go to the DMV?  There isn’t a good time, is there?
Why do people believe we live in a Christian nation?
How can someone be so absent minded?
Who actually likes modern art?
What goes through someone’s head when they cut me off in traffic?
Where is the turn my GPS is showing?  Shit, I just passed it.
When will old people remember to turn off their turn signal?
Why do previous generations say how much better it was in their day?
How could it be better if everything was so much harder?
Who wouldn’t one enjoy Dan Ray Sucks so much that they tell everyone-they-know?
What do people do when they’re not on facebook/twitter/other social media?
Where is our society going?
When will we all just die?
Why have I never cared about the starving kids in China?
How many times did Uncle Joey think of touching the premature Olson twins?
Who doesn’t find a balding man with a mustache creepy?
What makes people do stupid things?
Where did I leave my keys?
When will all the douchebags realize who they are?
Why are there so many ass holes?
How are there people who have nothing but love for everyone?
Who, deep down, wishes it were the 80’s?
What am I going to do with my life?
Where is the best sushi in LA?  There seem to be a million “bests”, none of which I’ve tried.
When should I get a haircut?  I feel like I can go a few more days, but I know I’ll say that in a few more days.
Why do I have to shit completely nude?
How does that not turn you on?
Who decides to put this crap on TV?
What can I do to change it?
Where is my head today?  Every day?
When should I get out of bed?
Why have big dogs not yet migrated to California?
How do I make a lot of money, really fast, without doing something illegal, or with my mouth?
Who wants to answer all of these questions?
What made you read this entire rant?
Where have all the cowboys gone?
When do you plan on doing something with my life?
Why does Dan Ray Suck?
How do you suck, too?

There you have it: more bitching from yours truly.  You don’t like my view of the world?  You don’t like me posing so many questions about people, and their ways?  You want me to accept it all, and just fit in without complaining?  I can’t do that.  I won’t do that.  This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you can’t answer all of my questions, or have trouble not having trouble, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, don’t be scared to question everything, it might just take you nowhere like me.