Category Archives: Humor

Super Spooky Halloween Post

I went on a run the other day, and passed a house all decorated for Halloween: black cat cut outs, pumpkins, ghosts strung from a clothesline—classic shit, but not scary at all. The whole notion of Halloween is becoming too traditional; it’s lost its horrifying luster. I understand that at one point (in like the 50’s) the idea of a man who turns into a wolf might have scared the pants off people; literally, they’re scared so bad that they must remove their pants, because the pants have been shat-filled (off subject, but did you know “scared the pants off” is a direct descendent of “scared the shit out”? More on origins of sayings in another post.) Honestly though, ghouls, goblins, and monsters have never been scary in my lifetime. We need to get back to the roots of this spook festival, which is becoming too much of a happy-go-lucky holiday, and strike fear into the soul of people: especially children.

As mentioned, folklore and commerciality are not scary: not the Headless Horseman; not cotton spider webs; and surely not a damn vampire, or (worse) a bloody zombie. No, what’s scary are herpes; rape; Mormons; terrorists; nuclear war; cancer; a guy with a mustache, glasses, and pants pulled up to his chest, handing out candy (not from his doorstep, but) from inside his house; finally, a muscular man in a pretty pink dress. That shit is real. That shit is horrifying. That shit is disturbing, but it’s the shit that Halloween should be all about…shit!

What happened to scaring the hell out of people, namely children? Is it politically incorrect? Is it immoral? Will it hurt their feelings? Good. Good. Great. This time of year has become too much fun for kids, and I want to take away those precious moments; bring them into the real world, where candy and super heroes won’t solve problems. Leave them with non-repairable mental scars, rather than a fictitious happiness that they’ll never find in the real world. Here’s how I picture it going:

A child approaches the doorstep, and I’m dressed as I am above (the sexiest slut at the bar, which was so true, bitches). Gazing up my hairy legs, he looks at my menacing smile. Fear slowly sinks in, yet he’ll fight the piss running down his leg for that sweet treat. Little does he know, I don’t have any candy…I have steroids. That’s right, the intravenous type. I also have crack, but I’m keeping that for now. I drop a syringe, and vile into his stupid pumpkin container; the handle of which looks about ready to snap from the cheap Chinese plastic. (I hope it does, too; I always had to use a damn pillowcase, or grocery bag: neither of which were ever without large holes.) The child is lost in utter confusion. Sensing this, I say in my deepest voice, “Trick, or treat…” laughing ever so creepily as I shut the door, and get the hell out of my neighbor’s house. I leave the crack, and wait for the cops to roll up.

Now tell me, is that not the scariest shit you’ve ever heard? Well, I’m sure it’s at least close. With this country losing it’s ethics day by day, we need someone who will stand up, and make things right. This person would be me, except Dan Ray Sucks; so, if you don’t take it into your own hands to uphold the Halloween tradition by getting rid of those terrible scarecrows, rubber bats, and cans of spring worms, and (instead) re-introduce the idea of scaring the shit out of people by any means possible, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Follow.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, smash some pumpkins, and TP some houses.

Friday Video Review

It’s Friday, and we’re all antsy to be done with the week. Well, my week doesn’t end, because I work on Saturdays and Sundays, but for the rest of you slackers, I’ve found some great videos for you to watch; better yet, I’ve even reviewed them, so you don’t have to. Let’s take a look at what youtube has to offer us today…

Think you’re sick of Gangnam Style? Think again. I guess this song is still fresh enough, and totally relevant to synchronizing it with Halloween lights. Who even really uses lights (excluding those little pumpkins, which are more adorable than they are scary) to decorate their house for Halloween? Anyway, watch the video; it is actually pretty cool, for about 20 seconds.


I can only imagine how tired of this song the people are who regretted allowing Edward’s Landing Lights to set up this display on their property. Or, maybe they’re super fans, who could never get tired of what they think is the song of the century. OR, maybe they’re Korean.

Our next video is not a video, but rather a screen shot of one of the suggested videos from the last video. Jesus, I need a thesaurus. When clicking through Youtube, I wait to be inspired, and compelled to write; then, I always watch the whole video twice before, as well as a few times during, my review. From the picture below, I hope you can see the many reasons why I refuse to watch “crazy 3 min chest workout” by sixpackshortcuts.
Looking beyond the terrible title grammar, and the fact that I don’t need a crazy three minute chest work out (because I’m already super jacked), I can’t get by the obvious: How does a three minute workout take nine minutes and forty-eight seconds? It pissed me off so much, that I refused to click on the advertisement. Besides, if I wanted to watch a shirtless, muscular guy getting off to himself, I’d head just lift my mattress, and pop in my favorite DVD: Shirtless, Muscular Guys Getting Off to Themselves. It’s a masturpiece.

I also try to get the most-recent (as of start of blog), but it’s hard to pass up on this one from 2007:


She knows what the world needs, but I think what the world needs is more people her: sexy, and intelligent. You can see Mario Lopez holding back his laughter, because she comes off as a ditz. The problem is that this girl is misunderstood; I believe that her mental capacity far exceeds any of ours. Therefore, she should really be holding back her own laughter. Maybe I’m just trying to be nice, because she’s hot, and that’s what I was taught; I don’t know.

Finally, I’ll leave you with something that I’d like you to join me in boycotting: people whom are not funny. First on the snub list is this Ben Behfar guy. Before I get into bashing the douche bag, I’ll let you watch the video with a virgin mind.


The main thing that bugs me about “Bodyshots” is that it tries too damn hard to be funny, and it’s not. The song is not funny. Throwing on ridiculous, brightly colored 80’s clothing is not funny. Making a video based on such a poor concept that it pisses me off is not funny. I will say that is shot/put together pretty all right, but for what? It makes me angry that they put in the time and effort for something that I have to take the time and effort to slam; in other words, they’re wasting my time, because I can’t let them go on thinking that they’re awesome. Ben Behfar is more full of himself than me; not only does he think this video is amazing enough to put online, but there are also supplemental videos about the making of this shitball, as well as a website devoted to Nima: this guy who knows he sucks, and plays off that idea.

Oh shit, that sounds familiar. Whatever, I do it better. I know I suck, which is why Dan Ray Sucks. So, if you spend your Friday free time watching videos online to the point where you find one that pisses you off to no ends, because some ass hole thinks it’s funny to present himself in a grandiose, yet silly manner (which has been done before, and better) to make millions of dollars off of Youtube, and you know that’s impossible, but it still bothers you, then you suck too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Follow.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, don’t make shitty videos.