I have this tendency to make bathroom jokes, not because I’m an immature comedian, but because they are just so relevant. I’m going to (use some puns and) cut the crap, so we get straight to the good shit. I’ve come up with A List of Things Guys Instinctually Do in the Powder Room…Gun Powder, That Is:
-Pee on something – Whether using the stream as a laser beam to split a piece of toilet paper in half, sinking a floating object (and keeping it sunk), or being outdoors and going on whatever you please; essentially, we’re reverting back to a caveman state of mind by marking our territory.
-We like to go from high objects.
-We like to test our distance.
-We have trouble aiming in the wee hours of the morning.
-We don’t make eye contact in public restrooms – especially not at a urinal. Jesus, that’s just asking for an ridicule, an ass beating, or the unwanted affection of someone who takes your glance the wrong way.
-We don’t wash our hands after peeing, even if a little dribble gets on the fingertip.
-We leave the door open, and the seat up, because…well, we just do damn it.
-Finally, we take pride in what we’ve done, but only if it’s a notable accomplishment worthy of a picture to a friend.
Again, sorry for the potty humor, but I had this idea came to me as I was in the middle of…I don’t think I need to explain. The restroom is a sacred, ritualistic site for the male sex: it’s the only place a guy can really feel free and natural. There’s something about the privacy, the peace, and the potpourri that brings a man back to his rugged, stinky roots. Dropping trou connects us men to our past: to a time where beasts roamed the earth, and the phrase “shit or get off the stump” was not the subject of a patience matter, but rather a life, or death matter. It’s not just me, either; every man shares these, or similar tendencies.
The restroom makes everything equal. It takes away anything that makes us different, and shows only the human side of people: there’s no race, no judgement, no jealousy of whose wife has nicer tits, and absolutely no such thing as class—only primitive beasts. A porcelain nature you won’t find in the female shitter. Anyway, these are my deep thoughts on the poop room, which is why Dan Ray Sucks; and if you think that the restroom is more than a place to do your SSS (Shit-Shower-Shave), then you need something more important to think about, because you suck, too.
Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, stop writing bathroom jokes.