Ryan Gosling Sucks

Celebrities really aren’t all that great, and most kind of suck.  I think I am just as good–actually, I’m better: “A man to be desired,” it’s been said…probably.  So, if for example, Ryan Gosling had the choice of being himself, or being me: whom would he choose?  Precisely: it’s no contest!  In every way, shape, and/or form, I trump this self-proclaimed “movie star”.  Okay, maybe a general audience would proclaim him as a star, but that doesn’t make him a hot shot, like me.  What do I have that he doesn’t, you ask?  Allow me to make an easy list for you.  Oh, what an easy list this will be…

Ten Reasons Why Ryan Gosling Wishes He Were Me, and Not Ryan Gosling:

10.   My humble shanty.
9.   My spacious back yard.
8.   My friends.
7.   My ability to woo women with one blow of a kiss.
6. I look better with similar facial hair.
5.   My integrity.  You can’t see it, but I put some in this square:
4.   My personally assured hopeful net worth in 2013.
3.   My awesome blog.
2.   My car.  He demanded for the care in the opening scene in Drive to be a silver Chevy Impala, not because it’s “the most popular car in LA”, but because (as you could guess) I drive it.
1.   Finally, because I don’t cry myself to sleep every night wishing I were me…because, I already am.

Do I have fame?  Do I have fortune?  No, and no.  None of that is real, not like me.  Besides, if I ever had any desire to acquire such pretenses of happiness, then I’d be long past hating my life.  You see, what I have is truer, more tangible, more…Oh, Jesus, who am I kidding?  I don’t care how many romantic movies he stars in: Ryan Gosling is the man.  In fact, romantic movies make him more of a man.  How many heart-throbbing girls do you think he throbbed the heart out of because of such roles?  I don’t know, but it’s probably a lot.

What I do know is that I can only aspire to one day be as successful as him.  So when you think about it, my arguments are a pathetic attempt to bring him down to my level—to make me feel better about myself.  This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you ever try to discredit people you’ve never met, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, don’t try to act like a hot shot, when you’re a not shot.


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