How to Improve Yourself (title needs work)

Why would anyone let time go by without getting anything out of it?  If your not doing something to better your position in life, then you’re not doing enough.  People simply need to expand themselves; whether it’s chasing your passion, reading a book, or just getting off your ass to do some jumping jacks (even plain jacks, if you can’t handle the jumping).  I’m not wildly claiming that the desire, knowledge, and exercise can be beneficial; no, I am stating that they are beneficial, and will lead to an overall improvement.  You don’t have to build a computer program, or become a rocket surgeon, but no accomplishment has ever been made by people sitting around in the dust.

Recent studies have shown that doing nothing does absolutely nothing.  It boggles my mind that people can coast through life without trying to make it any better.  Doing and learning shit makes life better.  Don’t believe me?  Let’s take a test:

Who are happier? (Answer at bottom.)
a.)  Successful people that fulfill their goals.
b.)  Unsuccessful people that do not make any progress.

Before you jump down my throat, and call me a hypocrite for being an worthless, dirty busboy, realize that my current lateral movement is merely temporary.  Also, I should make it clear that I don’t consider “success” to be synonymous with “monetary wealth”.  Success is relative: if you’re doing what you enjoy, then you’re successful.  (Obviously there are exceptions, but I won’t take the time to point out…except one: writing more Family Guy episodes; they’re a growing source of mental degeneration.)  Nonetheless, we can (and will) measure true prosperity through progress.  Let’s see if we can’t measure you by answering a few questions about your own progress:

Do you have a goal in life?
Do you have a goal this year?
Do you have a goal today?
Are you taking steps toward achieving any, and all of these goals?
Why not?

You’re not prospering, because you have no progress; you have no progress, because you make no attempt at it.  (Sorry for pigeonholing you into an “inactive” category, but it was for demonstration purposes only.)  Your mind and body become accustomed to whatever they continue to do day in, and day out.  If you do consistently do nothing, then your body and mind will slowly shut down, and you will whither away.  On the flip side, if you’re constantly proactive, then you will have conditioned yourself in such a manner that you’ll find the need to do something almost all of the time, and feel guilty when you don’t have something to do.  I know it sounds like you’re training yourself to be miserable, but isn’t that what life satisfaction is all about: never being satisfied?  To keep myself deniably happy, I’ve been living by a rule that if you follow, you’ll be making rules for me to live by in no time:

“When you’re not moving your body, move your mind; when you’re not moving your mind, move you body; when you can, move both; and when you’ve exhausted yourself, rest.”

As a result, you might become a little obsessive when it comes to “getting things done”, and that’s all right.  Now, if you’re having trouble getting started, don’t worry; for you see, I have come up with some simple suggestions to get you on your way to success.  You can’t blame me if you lose the motivation to continue: I am not your ego, drive, nor a shoulder for support.  I’m providing the first building block, or to put it cooler, the first Lego of improvement.  This is my only help, so afterwards you’re on your own; that is, unless you subscribe to my full plan: only $19.95, and if you act today, I’ll throw in a free stress relief Nerf Koosh Ball–not necessarily made to relieve stress, but if you can’t relax after playing with one, then you have problems greater than my plan can offer to help; which means you should upgrade to the advanced plan (only $49.95, after email-in rebate).  Anyway, here is a list to help you get started, I call it A List on How to Get Started on Becoming Less of a Lazy Shit Head, and More Productive in Everyday Life:

  1. Become less of a lazy shit head.
  2. Better yourself in a single way: read one page in a book; walk down the block, and back; or, spend five less minutes on facebook and Twitter…let’s be real, anymore than five minutes is impossible.
  3. Increase #2 daily (with the exception of social media).
  4. Make a “To Do List”, and try to accomplish one thing on that list.
    -Have something you’ll surely check off; an “easy win” will boost your confidence.
    -Don’t make the list too daunting; have realistic daily goals.
    -Don’t make the list too easy; you’re only hurting yourself by being a pussy.
  5. If you have a bad habit, cut back on it.  For instance, if you smoke crack, then smoke one less rock each day.
  6. Develop a good habit, like eating one healthy meal every day.
  7. Make it a weekly practice to check up on my awesome blog.
  8. Make it a daily practice to tell others about my hilarious blog.
  9. Find a hobby, preferably useful, and practice that hobby; mine is writing blogs, so try something different.
  10. Remember that things can always be worse, unless you just so happen to be one of those people who really do have it worse: starving kid in China, aids victim, Snooki’s baby, etc.  Then, well you have all the reason to feel self-pity…we understand.

Am I saying that a hunger for self-improvement is the only way to go through life?  Uh, yeah!  I think that if everyone makes his/herself better for him/herself, then (in turn) the world will become a better place.  How?  It just will, damn it; I’m only 23, so I don’t know everything there is to know about life, but I do know that a mundane existence does not put your footprint on the moon.  Again, a footprint on the moon (success) is relative.  To me, it’s almost a literal translation.  For others, it could mean raising five kids; it could mean becoming a nurse; or, it could mean making sure your illegal drug trade is at least operating on ethical business practices: properly compensating your employees, providing long and short term pension plans, and donating to charity.

Do society a favor, and learn something you want to learn.  Write something you want to write.  Do something you want to do.  The only thing sitting around does is accumulate dust; the last time I checked, dust collections don’t go for much on eBay.  (Excluding, of course, the extremely rare, extremely authentic Queen Victoria nightstand dust that I won for $100…okay, $200.  Fine, it was $329 plus shipping, but totally worth it.)  For some reason, I like to think that reading useless knowledge, writing these posts, and maintaining good health puts me on some sort of “productivity” high horse, when really it’s not getting me any further in life.  In fact, it’s just another reason why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you refuse to recognize that all of your hard work at improving yourself is in vain, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, improve today for a better tomorrow, or some shit like that.

ʇıɥs dıp ‘ɐ :ɹǝʍsuɐ


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