I’m going to join the thousands of other bloggers, and wish America a happy big 236th. In these hard times, it might be easy to lose track of who we are, and what it means to be American. We are a strong, determined people with a rich history of doing what we want, and having our own identity. Constitution; Manifest Destiny; Pabst Blue Ribbon: these are all things that should carry heavy meaning in all our American hearts, and if they don’t…well, you’re simply un-American.
I don’t stand for un-Americanism, which is the result of many things: If you don’t believe in democracy, and spreading it, then you’re not American. If you don’t have an American flag flying high above your house, warning any foreigner that this is our soil, then you’re not American. If you think we lost the war in Vietnam, then you’re not American. (We’re undefeated, all right?) If you think sports other than football, baseball, or basketball exist, then you’re not American. If you’re not aspiring to be Hank Hill, then you’re not American. If you root for Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, then you deserve to die…and you’re not American. If you don’t believe we live in the greatest Got-dang country in the world, then you (sir, or ma’am) are not American; so, get out!
We are who we are, and can’t/don’t want to change it. It’s time to show your pride, and complete the Top Ten American Things to Do:
10. Talk about the weather.
9. Complain about a government official.
8. Buy something you don’t need, like a huge truck–the less applicable to your needs, the better.
7. Practice wastefulness.
6. Go to a buffet.
5. Expect things to be done for you.
4. Sue somebody. I don’t care who–just sue!
3. Drive somewhere in easy walking distance.
2. Talk about how Britain sucks.
1. Talk about how Canada sucks more.
Instead of getting a workout pushing your lawn mower, drink a beer while you sit down to mow the grass. When you’re done, take a pit stop at McDonald’s drive through on your way to Wal-Mart for grilling supplies; make sure to park as close to the door as possible, even if that means taking 20 extra minutes for a spot to open up. Once you Instagram your cookout, and ingest all the beef, Bud Light, and diet cola your heart desires, it’s time to do what we do best: nothing. So, sit back on your ass and enjoy the view of your phone until you hear Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA”; that’s when the grand finale should catch your ADD, so you can enjoy the only good part of the fireworks. At the end of the day, turn on the TV, crank up the AC, and unbuckle your belt so you can finally relax: you deserve to on our birthday.
It sounds like I’m ragging on the modern American way, but I’m not. All of that sounds glorious! If I had the time, money, and lack of care, I would live like the king of the states! But, there is no king: this is America. Today, please do as you please. I, for one, chose to work, because that’s what America was built on…that, and I’m broke, so I need the hours; otherwise, I’d make Ben Franklin proud by celebrating the only way I know how: drunk and obnoxiously. The American Way. This is kinda why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you are any less of an American than he (which I know your are), then you suck, too.
Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, don’t be a commie bastard, and read my other posts.