I’ve been quite unmotivated to write a new post lately. Luckily, I found some motivation when I realized people don’t know much about me, and would probably love to learn more! It’s kind of my duty, for one can really only surmise so much through my blog: namely that I’m hilarious, awesomely cynical, and handsome as hell! (See pic. above…mmm.) That’s really just the rapper of this multi-layered candy bar; there is much more to Dan Ray than meets the eye, and the best way for you to know more is for me to give a some insight into who I really am as a person. (On a side note, I never understood that, “as a person” shit. As opposed to who I am as a giraffe? Stupid. Also, who I “really” am; instead of what, who I am fictionally?)
To do you some learnin’, I’ve come up with a lengthy little list: 51 Facts You Might Have Known, Might Not Have Known, or Might Not Want to Know, but Will Know Anyway About Dan Ray. Seeing as the title is so long, I don’t think I need to explain, so we’ll jump right in:
1. My name is Dan. 2. I like puppies. 3. I don’t have a favorite color. 4. I’m a tit man, not an ass man (although, I’m not too picky). 5. Instead of success, I’m more driven by a desire to not fail. 6. I was born on All Saints Day; that makes me a saint: you should call me Saint Dan. 7. I don’t practice/particularly like religion. 8. I’m a terrible liar. 9. I don’t like mindless activities. 10. I have trouble relaxing if I’ve not done something productive.
11. I can only get a good night’s rest if I’m completely exhausted–completely. 12. I love the heat, and sweating; AC is for babies, and a waste of money/energy. 13. I don’t get ever bored–ever. 14. I hate when people take pictures like the one above. You know, when it looks like they’re trying not to care, but really they took about twenty snaps to get it “right” (I honestly took one–again, why use “honestly”? Would I have “untruthfully” only taken one?) 14. I believe in a systematical approach to everything; even minute (minuscule, not 60 seconds) things like masturbation. It’s a process! There’s prep, action, clean up, covering your shame, and accepting that it was the best option on that day…for the third time. 15. I don’t like sloppy drunks. 16. I don’t like control freaks. 17. I hate arguing; I’ll be the first to admit I’m wrong just to avoid it, even if I’m right. 18. To (somewhat) contradict myself, I like fights. I’d rather get in a physical tussle, than a verbal dispute. 19. I don’t like talking about working out. 20. I’m terrible at small talk, because I believe that it leads nowhere.
21. I judge people. 22. I feel fine about it, because I know other people do, too: it’s natural. 23. I don’t like dancing. 24. I’m a tightwad with my money. 25. I think spending money on stupid shit is stupid. 26. Little things bug me: the way people eat, speak, laugh, breathe, and live; well, those are all big things, but in the grand scheme of the universe, they’re pretty small…regardless, they bug me. 27. I find it hard to handle people sometimes—well, most of the time—all right, all of the time. 28. I’m a horny little son of a bitch. 29. I’m a little conceited, and like to think I’m allowed to be. 30. I’m a very simple, plain person, and don’t need much for entertainment; basically, I’m amused by my own thoughts, and my idea of getting exotic is throwing on a v-neck.
31. I find farts to be hilarious. 32. On a similar note, I think burps are disgusting. (Weird, isn’t it? But, in my professional opinion, we produce gas to exit the ass; not push it back through from whence it came.) 33. I have never bought a ticket, and attended a concert. 34. I don’t have much desire to, because I don’t like loud noises. 35. I don’t like ice cream, popsicles, or cold water; they all hurt my teeth and throat. (I think I was born with vaginal lining in my esophagus.) 36. I have a great, and wretched ability to constantly think; it’s great for blogging and problem-solving, but often keeps me up when I try to sleep. 37. I look at everything too deeply. 38. Did I say I’m a tit man? Sorry, I just like me some boobies. 39. I think I know more than I really do…scratch that, I act like I know more. 40. I’m self-conscious; meaning I’m conscious of myself; meaning, I try to avoid doing things that might bother others.
41. I don’t need nice things, but I need things nice. 42. I’m very clean, and organized. 43. I consider those who are not as clean, or organized as me to be slobs. 44. I consider those who are more so to be OCD; seriously, I’m right on the verge of it. 45. Again, in somewhat of a contradiction, I don’t like having a rigid schedule: it’s monotonous, and predictable. 46. I don’t dwell in the past. 47. I see things very cut and dry; black and white; good and shitty…there’s not much moist, gray, or shart middle ground. 48. I like being by myself, because I often don’t care listening what other people have to say, especially if it has absolutely no intellectual value, or impact on my life. 49. Silence is not awkward to me; if there’s nothing to say, I won’t say anything. In other words, I don’t talk just to hear myself. 50. Finally, I’m happy with who I am, as well as who I’m not.
Okay, #50 was lame as hell. Jesus, I can’t believe I just wrote that. Please, do us all a favor, and make fun of me: I deserve it. Anyway, that’s a pretty good taste of me; if I were a Snickers, then you would have nommed (nom is another terrible social cliche) on the chocolate and nougat. Go ahead, and ask me how you can enjoy the nutty caramel. I dare you. Actually, I’ll give you what my response would be right now; I would drop my pants and say, “Allow me show you…” That is unless you’re a dude, then my response would be more along the lines of, “Uhhhh…you can’t?” Sorry, bros. Now, if those 51 reasons aren’t enough to tell you why Dan Ray Sucks, then you suck, too.
Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, comb back through and see how clever I am by repeating #14. Ha! I bet you never noticed that’s why it’s 51 facts…Okay, maybe it’s not that hard to spot, nor is it that clever, but–well, just shut up and humor me.