In lieu of political season, I’ve decided to announce my candidacy for office. Politics are a shitmess, and we need someone to bleach that crap; someone who is not scared to verbally, or physically start a fight; someone who is easily relatable; someone who is completely average! We need Dan Ray: the most average ass hole alive. He’s so average that if he were a professional wrestler, he’d be Mr. Average, giving opponents the average beat down. If he were a superhero he’d be Median Man, with the power to be super average. If he were a politician he’d be…well, that’s what we were getting to.
Dan Ray is the perfect man for office, for you. How many politicians out there can really stack up to what their word? Most say they’ll fight for the regular Joe, but that’s an oxymoron, because they’d be fighting against themselves. They’re not regular people at all; they’re rich. The only thing is you pretty much have to be rich to be elected to office. I’d like to change that stipulation. Now, some qualifications can’t be avoided; so, seeing as I’m not very intelligent, I don’t keep promises, and I have great hair to cover it all…well, I’m basically a shoe-in. Not to mention, I stand on a strong platform.
I lied. I have a weak-no platform with little focus on reform. Instead of really believing in the issues, I build up this exterior of myself, and put all my attention into slogans and sayings that really do nothing to build my credibility, but they carry a nice ring. Isn’t that all that really matters: how you look? Here are some of my mottos:
“DAN RAY, USA!” (By the way, I’m making t-shirts for July 4th, reserve your’s now…not joking.)
“Dan Ray: bringing the average down.”
“Believe in ‘Merica.”
“Dan-Dan, the political man!”
Lord that last one is terrible, and if anyone ever repeats it, my first act in office will be to make you shut the hell up. As for my other policies, here are just the few:
-Equip all prisons with pools, because everyone loves swimming.
-Mandate that every hot dog shoppe across the nation participate in Weenie Wednesday.
-Rebuild Pangaea: this will be cool, and will send our immigration problem to Russia!
-Reignite the Cold War, but this time for real: Rocky IV style. (I can’t help but think that’s where President Obama got the idea for Change— 1:07)
-Sit right in the middle of pro life/choice: you figure out what that means.
-Coercively ask everyone eat at least one fruit and vegetable, and to also walk one mile per day. I call it DanCare.
-Establish a new national holiday: Drinking Day. Without explanation, I think you get the idea.
-Make higher standards for preschool admittance; they’re just letting every drooling dumb ass in these days. Just because you have a big head, does not mean you’re smart.
-Make PBR our national drink, and available to every American, no matter his age.
-Ban crappy TV.
-Ban crappy movies. (Both are in violation of our 28th Amendment rights, more later)
Dan Ray won’t spin the big issues; instead, he’ll spin records (classic rock). When you throw me a screwball, I’ll probably swing wildly, and miss. I’m not scared to admit when I’m wrong, I don’t gloat when I’m right, and I only lie if it helps the situation as a whole. I’m not very talented at anything, nor will I work very hard at anything, but at least I won’t pretend to care about everything. I would rather you know how terrible of a politician I am, rather than watch me dance around the issues.
We’re a breast-fed society, and I’m here to bite the nipple. Give me a voice, and I will roar. If you can throw any other tag-line my way, it will greatly help me promote my cause: an average guy, making average moves, for the average world. So, will anyone jump on my political bandwagon? Probably not until it’s too late, and our country becomes even more of a fuckmess. This makes me believe that I don’t even have a fighting chance in this race, but isn’t that all the more reason to run and swing? I’m fighting an up-mountain battle, with the great chance of causing an avalanche (of votes against me). This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you are too scared to run for office, and/or do not believe in my cause, then you suck, too.
Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums–I don’t care, just do it.
-Finally, take to the streets wearing your shirt, and shouting, “DAN RAY, USA! DAN RAY, USA! DAN RAY, USA!”