Second Puberty

I’m getting older, and new, strange things are happening to my body. These changes I’m experiencing cannot be found in any textbook, medical journal, or even the all-knowing WebMD; so I, Dr. Dan, will help explain what the typical, immature 22-24 year-old guy is going through in his Pubis Adulta, or for the undereducated layperson, Second Puberty.

Ladies, I’m not sure if this exists for you, because I don’t have a vagina. The guys may show signs that include, but are not limited to:

-Growing hair in new places, or more hair in the same places: chest, back, nose…
-Waking up early for no apparent reason, except to “start the day”.
-Planning your day with a “to do list”.
-Actually accomplishing the tasks you plan for said day.
-Possessing the mindset that non-productivity equals wasted time.
-Having an odd desire to do yard work.
-Realization of the terrible things you did to your body in college.
-Going on a health kick.
-Politics suddenly become more interesting.
-Less desire to prove yourself: lifting, fighting, drinking, etc.
-More desire to become a productive member of society.
-Developing the uncanny ability to sniff out bullshit.
-Knowing who you are; in other words, you don’t give a damn about what people think, especially not of you.

Your mistakes in college were out of complete ignorance: not knowing the consequences until after the fact. In *adoadulthood, you have gained enough worldly knowledge to determine the effects of foolish decisions, and you can still do some stupid things. You’re not fully matured because you know what you’re getting into, yet you still do it! It becomes a strategic thought process: thinking through all potential mistakes, and choosing which ones to make. Knowing when and where to be a dumb ass is part of getting older, becoming more mature. You might still be an idiot, but you’re at least you’re a smarter idiot. The second puberty also teaches you not to care about anything not progressing your life.

You are your own person, so outside influences have less sway on your conscience. You are who you are: parents, friends, and MTV no longer has say. Partying is still fun, but life does not revolve around it. The cloud you sat on in college has turned into precipitation, and it rains hard. Paying back your loans sets in. Getting a real job sets it. The real world sets in. It’s time to be like Noah, or you’re going to drown: I’m talking about building an ark, not saving the world, or promoting incest. With a confident comfortableness, you couldn’t care less about what people think. You only answer to two people: yourself, and the big man upstairs…your dad. Having Pop’s approval means not financially depending on him, because in the long run: self-sufficiency = having money = confidence = getting laid = happiness = the goal of life. See how the chain works?

Also, unlike when you were a pussy little kid, you now have the balls to stand up for yourself. Your overall view of the world is that it’s here for the taking, which means you won’t put up with shit from anyone. For example, here’s a scenario that happened just a few weeks ago:

OWNER, “Sir, I’m not sure what I can do for you, it happens all the time.”
ME, “All the time? What do you mean all the time?”
OWNER, “Listen— ”
ME, “No, you listen, Limp Tits. If it happens all the time, then any owner of any decent establishment would have a set protocol for handling the problem.”
OWNER, “Wow, sir, I can see that you’ve had some life experience, and you won’t put up with bullshit: I respect that. We will immediately refunded your seven dollars from Time Crisis 4, and will also throw in a squad of paratrooping army men.”
ME, “Yessss…Thank you, I’ll take the seven dollars, but for the record, it really only took my initial fifty cents: I didn’t use any continues.”
OWNER, “Right…”

Your second puberty is not to be taken lightly. If you find yourself feeling some of these same changes, then embrace them: you’ve hit a monumental stage in your life. Go ahead and put work before pleasure. If you want to save money for buying a house, then stay in on the weekends, and save away. Seriously, have fun not having fun. When you realize how much time you wasted in college by not bettering yourself, you will try to make up those four years of lost time, and that’s fine! Right now I buss tables, landscape, and look for entry-level (unpaid) positions in my field; all the while exercising, eating healthy, and constantly plucking my nostril hairs. This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you are trying to get acquainted with adulthood while struggling through your second puberty, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-fb/tweet/just tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums, etc.
-Finally, don’t be confused, just accept your changing body.

*Adoadult /adō-əˈdəlt/
(Noun): an adolescent adult. A young woman or man beyond her/his complete dumb ass years, who almost possess the mental capacity of a fully matured adult, and has a few more years of being slightly less of a dumb ass.

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