Twitter: #InternetCocaine

The online world can be a dark and scary place, like (use your own analogy, but this is mine).  Social media is a great way to get out in the fake world, and get yourself noticed by real, important people; be careful though, because if you want to roll with the big dogs, then you have to be ready for a whole new lifestyle.  In your rise to fame, always remember that an addiction comes easy, and it’s not so simple to beat it (feel free to jump on that one).

Every great addict starts with a gateway: Facebook.  This little social hallucinogen, as opposed to what your health teacher told you, carries no real ramification, whatsoever.  Seriously, everyone uses it!  When you do Facebook for recreation, it doesn’t hurt; in fact, it can be beneficial.  You can sit back, catch up with old friends, and even make some new ones.  It only becomes a problem when you need bigger, and better internet connections; which is where Twitter comes in.  With Twitter, your experience grows substantially, you get more of a following, and you might even tweet some lines with celebrities (from a stripper’s ass…hole), but you’ll pay a heavy price.

When I–you post the funniest, most clever tweet anyone has ever seen, you feel invincible to the world; really, you’re invisible.  The more entwined you get with the twitter world, the more you distance yourself from real people.  You become obsessed with getting that next tweet/retweet, finding yourself always playing catch-up in conversation and movie night.  Tweets become your oxygen: they’re more important than life itself!  You’ve gotta snap out of it, Dan—I mean, man!

If you’re worried, don’t be; for, I have come up with a five-step system to ease you off, and ultimately control your internet cocaine addiction.  As to prevent Twitter withdrawal, please follow these steps:

5.  Limit your tweets by 25%, on a weekly-compounding basis.
4.  Limit your “following” in the same fashion.
3.  Realize you’re not nearly as funny, or creative as me; and if that’s too easy, then realize you’re not as funny/creative as you think.
2.  If you can’t do that, then try to understand that no one really cares what you think; especially, especially Lady Gaga. (Who has yet to Rf’nT me…)
1.  Finally, pick up another addiction to replace it: try overeating, or drugs.

There you have it.  You can beat the anti-social media, all you have to do is get a life.  Have some real time with friends: get out and do some sports, or have a raging party, just leave your smart phones behind.  It’s not easy, trust me: I only have like twenty followers, and it kills me.  I will get more, though, and won’t stop until I do.  This is why @danraysucks, and if you want more of an online presence, as well as more fake porn stars to follow you, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums, etc.
-Finally, look at the world, it’s beautiful…sort of.


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