Well, I tried not writing this post, but seeing as your health seems to be a big enough problem to consume all my media (especially daytime talk shows), I’ve decided to give my blunt (and brunt) take on the issue. No one says you have to look like me, except (I digress, I guess) the tabloids, but you could at least try. Now, if you’ve developed the attitude of Val Kilmer, then by all means stuff your face to its fullest. Before you do that, go back in time about thirty seconds, and stop reading.
If you have not yet omitted fitness from your life, and do have the desire (as infomercials say) to look and feel better, then follow Dan Ray’s Simple and Successful Health Tips:
10. Don’t be a baby.
9. Exercise/workout/go to the gym: however you say it, just do it.
8. Don’t stop exercising, ever.
7. Don’t do “diets”: adjust your lifestyle, forever.
6. If it’s good for you, eat it.
5. If it’s bad for you, don’t.
4. If you don’t know, it’s probably not (good).
3. Don’t sit on your ass.
2. Sleep well.
1. Instead of making it a burden, learn to enjoy good health.
That’s all I do, and if I weren’t such a nice guy, then more of my dull health conversations would go a little like this…
Big Baby, “How do you keep your shape, and look so damn sexy all the time?”
Me, “Genetics, partially, but I also don’t eat like shit, and exercise fairly regularly. It’s pretty easy, you just have to want it.”
Big Baby, “But, Dan, it’s not that easy. I don’t have your will power.”
Me, “Okay, then don’t complain to me about anything that has to do with your health. I told you what I do, and you shot it down. Thanks for not taking it into consideration after indirectly asking for my help…dick.”
On the same note, unless I’m directly involved, don’t brag to me about food selection and exercise accomplishments. Your bench press, protein intake, and/or percentage of your fist you can now fit up your ass mean nothing to me.
It’s not new, food has been on a pedestal from the dawn of time; except past humans revolved around obtaining it as a life source, and now we just simply revolve around it. When waiting on tables, I overhear a lot of conversations about food. I don’t mean while customers order, “What are you having? Mmmmmm, that sounds goooood.” Does it matter? You’re not eating it. What really gets me is while these people eat, they actually talk about other food from other restaurants! Jesus, are people so fixated on grub that they have no other conversation topics; such as current events, hopes and dreams, or the most recent Dan Ray Sucks post?
Again, you don’t have to have an amazing physique like mine (insert mental image), but people are swelling up faster than my ego, and the reason is that a lot of them are living to eat, rather than eating to live. And yes, you will have to cut out chips and pop from your hourly diet. Boohoo. What’s more important: keeping off a few pounds, or keeping away from a few drive-thrus? Sure, I might “eat my words” someday, and die from a freak heart attack at a young age. Would that mean that all my “work” would be done in vain? Probably. This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if you ate a Big Mac and box of Dorrito Tacos today, then you suck, too.
Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums, etc.
-Finally, try getting off your ass.