I’ll Do it Later


Why do today, what can be put off until tomorrow?  Better yet, why do tomorrow, what can be put off until next week?  Most people procrastinate at one point, or another…or all the time.  I do it so often that society should award me a medal of shame; by society, I mean provided for free by the government; and by medal, I mean prescription pills.  Procrastination is not learned behavior, but rather a mental disorder.  Psychology says I’m a perfectionist and scared of failure/commitment, but my parents say I’m lazy.  I like to side with psychology, and say that I’m sick, and need psychiatric treatment.

Without meds, I fear that I will rank up there among the craziest of individuals: Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson, the Cookie Monster, etc.  Like them, there’s no rhyme, or reason behind my insanity.  For instance, I’ll delay setting up any type of appointment, because, “I’ll do it later.”  I’ve put off paying bills, knowing damn well I would have to pay more if I were late (which I typically am), because, “I’ll pay it later.”  I once saw a man collapse to the floor, and gasp for life, but I decided, “I’ll resuscitate him later.”  That man is now dead.

I’ve made a couple of lists to help demonstrate my disease, “Things I Procrastinate to Do”:

10. Wake up.
9.   Get up.
8.   Brush my teeth before bed.
7.   Get ready/leave for work.
6.   Taxes.
5.   Wash clothes.
4.   Exercise.
3.   Anything with a deadline.
2.   Anything without a deadline.
1.   Anything of any importance, at all.

And, “Things I Do to Procrastinate”:

10. Walk aimlessly around the house, telling myself to do what needs done.
9.   Watch TV, even if nothing is on.
8.   Google: “Hot girl from ___________” (i.e. QuiBids Commercial).
7.   Perform what has come to be known as “procrasturbation”.
6.   Eat.
5.   Continue eating.
4.   Never really stop eating.
3.   Random Youtube videos.
2.   Start a new task that I know won’t be finished.
1.   And, of course, creep (and I mean CREEP) on facebook.

Rather than approach my tasks in a calm, collective manner, I put off everything as late as possible (or later); thus, forcing myself to constantly thrive off intense pressure, which we all know is absolutely terrible for us.  Yet I never learn, because I always get my work done, and done well (I might add).  The only lesson I (continue to) teach myself is that I work better under stress; then again, I only work under stress.  Hopefully a prospective employer never asks how I perform in a tranquil, time-managed environment.  My idea of time management is waiting until I have barely any time, and somehow I manage to get finished.  This “steady work environment” does not exist in my world — there’s 0 and 100 MPH.  That’s it.

I don’t know how other people get things accomplished in a timely manner.  I guess it could deal with the fact that they’re not mentally handicapped.  I am so confident that my problem is medical, that I intend on proving it through a scientific study, someday.  Honestly, who in the right mind would drive their car E, passing every gas station along the way, only to decide to fill up later?  Me.  Does it make any sense to put off applying for a job, or responding to an email, when (after all) you’ll be doing the same exact amount of work, minus the stress?  Yes, but (pending a study) I’m clinically insane.

With the world moving so fast, it’s impossible even trying to keep up; so, why not take a few minutes, weeks, or even years to get on your responsibilities, it’s not like you’ll never get them done.  Those with a stick up their ass can continue to work hard, and achieve their dreams right away.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe that fulfillment of life is meant for the latter years.

When I have things to do, I do nothing except think about how much needs done.  In all likelihood, my habit of sitting on the pot/not timely delegating duties/waiting for the final minute on everything will culminate in a last-ditch-effort to get too much done in too little time: one big ball of stress that will cause me to be that man who collapsed to the floor.  No one would help, either; because, (A) They will have put off taking their procrastination prescriptions, and (B) Dan Ray Sucks.  If you’re just as bad, or worse at procrastinating, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Follow.
-Tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums, etc.
-Finally, keep putting things off: it shows your ability to work under pressure.

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