Living it Down: Home After College


After four, overly satisfying years of college, there’s nothing like settling back into the place where you were reared; for the perverts, this means where you were raised; and for the bigger perverts, it means the house in which you spent your childhood. Really, there is nothing like it at all: it’s unbelievably depressing. You leave an environment of nothing but parties, and slutty girls only to come home to nothing but quiet nights, and hometown hussies.

Living at home sucks. The experience has brought a whole new meaning to the, “It’s a great place to visit…” phrase. Sure, the food is great and plentiful, you’re surrounded by people who love you, and rent is as free as my balls, since I tend not to (nor need to) wear pants. Despite all the good, you can’t help but notice your complete lack of dignity. You feel as if you’re wasted talent, like the Baha Men (who totally deserved the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award, as well as a Grammy for their beautifully composed piece, Who Let the Dogs Out. They are, by the way, in talks of a comeback, if we cross our fingers hard enough). After all, you’re supposed to move forward, not move back (home).

As a child, a very dumb child, I thought life would be figured out after college. I thought I’d be living it up; instead, I’m at home with no career, and as a result, unable to look my dad in the eye, or myself in the mirror. To help you better understand why it sucks living at home, I’ve come up with a list:

10. Less beer guzzling: random day drinking is just not responsible behavior.
9.   Much less beer guzzling.
8.   Need I say it, again?
7.   Facebook creeping becomes second nature, and not so shameful.
6.   You can’t bring a girl back, because your parents’ room is right beside/down the hall from your’s.
5.   You can’t bring a girl back, because girls don’t dig guys who live at home, unless they own it.
4.   Being mocked by all of your friends who are still in college doing what you used to do, i.e. having fun.
3.   Seeing all of your other college friends doing what you’re not, i.e. a profession.
2.   Nothing to celebrate/enjoy: an A on a paper; a birthday; found $20 in my pocket, so let’s go to the bar!
1.   Finally, the Aura of Patheticness.

In college, you have somewhat of an excuse to be a bum, and not to mention, you drown all your feelings with booze.  Once you’re out, you become enveloped in an Aura of Patheticness that you can no longer hide: everything around you just becomes gloomy, your motivation for bettering yourself matches that of (now) adult (former) child celebrities, and not to mention you look and feel absolutely pathetic; for good reason…you are! Your childhood and your twenties are supposed to be the best years of your life, not the same years of your life. Being surrounded by my youth, by little Dan Ray’s hopes and dreams, I cannot help but feel miserable that none of them are being fulfilled: astronaut–get real; climb a mountain–come on; first male model of Victoria’s Secret–well, that’s still possible, I hope.

Before getting too caught up in myself, I want to make it clear that I have no desire to be back in college, because college kids are idiots, but more on that later. With all of that being said, moving back home was a great decision, but I really needed to save money, and I can deal with a slight loss of dignity (slight because I had very little to begin with, and now have none). This is why Dan Ray Sucks, and if after reading this blog you decide to move back in with your parents for any reasons equal to, or lesser than mine, then you suck, too.

Tips to suck less:
-Leave a comment.
-Follow.
-Tell your friends, friends’ friends, random bums, etc.
-Finally, live at home as long as possible; it sucks providing for yourself.

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3 thoughts on “Living it Down: Home After College

  1. Nat

    This is so true! I was definitely pathetic when I moved back home and was jobless. But my parents bought me alcohol so it was actually a different level of patheticness. Lol!

    Reply
  2. Pingback: Grind With (On) Me, Bro « danraysucks

Reply, if you don't suck

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